Parents — the very concept of them. How do you understand that concept? The very notion of the people who are supposed to take care for you when you are little, when you are not able to take care of yourself, or in reality simply said, just survive. This supposedly immensely complex totality of care and of love and of whatever comes with that, with them….What happens when you don’t feel they really took good care of you and that now, when they age, it’s your turn – you need to take (good) care of them.
Are you able to do that ?
Parents leave the earth before us one day or the other. At least normally thats the way it goes. My father left last year and my mother is showing signs indicating her departure soon. I will soon be left without my parents.
Do we become an orphan when we are in our fifties?
My heart is heavy and my feelings are confused.
I am not really able to think for myself around her. Her universe is imposing intense negative vibrations onto me; it is making mine scattered and unorganised. I am usually shimmering with a million ideas and passions and little ways of being-in-the-world but now around her I am not even able to be myself. Whatever makes me me – is impossible to collect now.
Electrically. Emotionally. Energetically.
She has been diagnosed with a melanoma. She is entering the crazy rabbit hole of procedures and medical care and visits in hospitals and labs. She does not know other than “hard” science. Medical doctors and surgeons are (undoubted) gods on earth and they know better. I am sometimes set aside as the dangerous one, the one with crazy ideas. “Are you nuts!? Should I just leave it like this? And what, do anything? We need to take this f…. thing out! And rapidly!” So she did. A huge scar is now eating her beautiful ageing face.
Making sense of the world and making sense of one’s body, one’s illness, one’s health is the most complicated intimate vulnerable and personal path. As I have observed many times with many different people around (in my practice and beyond) it is very difficult to set a spark in someone else’s eye, to make them see the light if they are deeply imbedded in a certain system ; you can’t just tell them to try something else, to see things differently. What they believe specially when it comes to medecine is like a religion. Why would you change if you have found your beautiful scientific God? (And even if you have not, you don’t know better….and its scary!)
So everything around seems witchery or craziness!
A set of chemical reactions made you sick.
A set of molecules that have gone rogue.
A set of cells in someone else’s body. Your parent. Your mother.
As this season and the world events invite our attention inward, I need to slow down and reflect on the gratitude over the past years, and integrate the medicines I’ve researched and been gifted. I’m looking forward to resting into the mysteries of this beautiful cold season, finding nourishment in the harvests to come and seeding dreams for the spring to be. I hope I will have time to rest and nourish myself while dreaming into the future.
And for her – for my parent – my once-upon-a-time-caregiver, someone who occupies in the cosmogony of me this strange position of being my mother, I only wish her well – I wish her to choose between the existence and the non-existence, to choose the force, to chose the light.
Yes, the soul is a magical energy st the centre of our BEING - the soul~self - surrounded by layers on layers of social conditioning. I believe each soul is here to learn & love or to learn to love.
If we have not learned to love our bodies as ourselves we might have to go through many painful procedures until we find gratitude in our soul~selves. Pain is an awakened to BEING, to
what IS, don’t you think?
thankyou for this and the artwork. we spiral and unspiral like the very breath of life, inwards and outwards. I hope your mother receives the best healing that she needs at this time. love and blessings on the wind to you